TRAVEL TO ANOTHER COUNTRY

I've spent the last eleven months in a different country, and now the time to go back home, it's around the corner. I've got all kind of feelings regarding the end of this period in my life but something it's true. I don't regret anything. 

I spent all my money, everything I saved for one year. I stopped my professional career; I sold all I had, including my car, my clothes, everything. I left my family, my friends, and my whole life only to be able to come to this beautiful country. I've been alone for these months, meeting new people, learning from a new culture, improving a different language, and getting to know myself better. That was the best part of this excellent experience. 

My whole life, I saw a big part of my friends go away for short trips, travel around different countries, study abroad, or just go away on an adventure. And I always asked myself: how do they do it? I mean, how? 

And yes! The big problem is money if you're not a wealthy person or if this is the first time you're planning to do something like that. 

Well, the answer is simple. You must focus on your purpose and put all your energy on that goal. You might have to quit everything else, parties, coffees, dinner with friends, new clothes, movies, everything. 

A few pieces of advice: 

One: Go alone. There is nothing more rewarding for your inner self than the feeling of victory in the middle of an unknown airport. 

Two: Live there. Forget you're a visitor. Find the way to actually live there; it doesn't matter if is one day or one year. 

Three: Make friends. Leave the antisocial you in your country. Dare to meet people from your country, local and from other countries. 

Four: Live simple. Enjoy all the free stuff in the new country, and spend your money on food, rent and cellphone. Give your self some little expensive things, but be sure that those things are experiences and not objects. 

Five: Be present. Forget about all those things you left behind. That person doesn't exist anymore. Your life is just what you have right now, so enjoy it as much as you can. 

Six: Be kind. Always be polite and thankful. Change your mindset from the moment you get on the plane, and always try to help, love, thank and share. It will back to you multiplied. 

Seven: Learn. Open your eyes, ears and mind. Not because some things are some way in your country, it means they are the same way everywhere. 

Eight: Read. Books always will give you the support you will need in difficult days. They open your mind and let you see things differently. You will definitively have rough days. 

Nine: Take care of your self. Don't be reckless nor unreasonable during your trip. You need to be smart, preclusive and follow your inner voice. 

Ten: See it all. When you're in a different part of the world, do everything you can to see all the wonders in that place. You're already there! So, please do it. 

And eleven: Share. When you have done something and have learned, share everything you can to help others to do the same. There is always someone doubting about this.

CROSSING FINGERS

I wish I could see you one more time.
I wish I could look at you in the eye for a minute.
I hope this life gives me that gift before I leave this town.
I pray for the day when I can see your beautiful blue eyes again.
I dream about that moment at least three times a day.
I crave being in front of you, face to face, just for one more time.
I have all this desire in my heart, and I wish I could have you here right now.

Oh baby! If only I could see you, only to be able to look at your face and say to you: "Thank you for teach me a lesson. I'm a stronger person."

I am crossing my fingers with all my heart.

TRUST ME

There is a woman beside the closet's door in my bedroom. 

She is staring at me, like if she knew me better than myself. 

She looks mad, heart-broken, and she has this hopeless look in her eyes. 

I think she is mad at me; I think she is disappointed with me. 

She is looking at me as if I could read her mind and if I could know what I did wrong, and I think I know, deeper inside of me. All those things I said I was okay with, she is not. All those behaviours I said I was willing to tolerate, it turns out she's not. 

I know that she is getting older, and sometimes she thinks she would be able to bare anything to have a little happiness in her life; to fulfill her heart. I support her in every thought, any step, and moment of meditation. The problem is I believe her all the time. And when we appear to be in the middle of an uncomfortable situation, she gets mad at me, and she looks at me as if everything was my fault. And maybe it is. 

That woman might be right, but she knows I can't stand mental games, so, if she tells me something, I will believe her, no matter what. If it turns out, she didn't mean it, or she wasn't sure, that is not my fault entirely. 

One of my ugliest defects is that I'm a literal person. If someone tells me I want to meet you at noon tomorrow, well, I understand that he or she wants to see me the next day at noon. I'm so literal that sometimes I cannot understand jokes of those people who laugh first and talk after. 

I think she knows me very well, and she knows all these things about me. I believe this is what she loves about me and what she hates at the same time. 

I want you to know that I'm here for you, and I'm going to protect you from everything and everyone. I know it hurts, I know you felt happy for an instance and then felt crushed. But I will do my best to make you feel better and to heal your heart. Trust me.

FOOLISH ROMANTIC

I'm the kind of person who still believes in true love, passion, and magic. As my horoscope says most all the time, I look like a bitch, but I am not. 

Maybe my face is not communicating how I feel or what I am dreaming about, but inside I am a foolish romantic. 

I'm one of those men and women who still think someone I love is going to knock the door in the middle of the day and kiss me without reason. If someone I fought tells me that he doesn't want to know anything about me, I still think we will have a dramatical reconciliation. Something that will make us cry every time we remember that moment we were mad. 

I'm the kind of woman who if her boyfriend told her that he was to busy today and he won't see her tonight, she is still waiting for him to come at midnight just to give her a kiss before he goes home because he couldn't wait till tomorrow. 

I disagree with the idea that the guy has to do all the job in the flirting. I believe they want to feel desired, wanted, and they need to know, just as women, that we are willing to win them no matter what. And if a woman has the luck to do this with a mature man, it would be just the best experience she can have. 

I think there are lots of men and women craving this romanticism, but we are too scared to be damaged, to be hurt, that we don't dare to try even a little. We think over a thing, over and over again, and we ended up thinking it's a stupid idea. 

I would like to do something exceptional and romantic for someone who I want to be with, and that he doesn't think I'm a psychopath or I'm too desperate for love. I would like someone who I want to be with would do the same for me. 

I remember a brief chapter in my life when a guy who liked me ran out of a party full of people and screamed my name from the door where he was standing. I was almost at the end of the corridor, about 20 meters far away from him and everybody, but he screamed my name so loud for three times and ran over where I was, just to beg me to stay and dance with him. 

Sadly, I didn't come back to the party because my dad had just died a few days before, and I was too sad to be in a party; I was there because it was my job to throw the party for the company I was working for, but I remember that moment as one of the most romantic moments of my life. 

Eventually, we ended up together, and we had a beautiful relationship for a few months. 

Sometimes I think things too much, and because of that, I rarely do what I wanted to do in the first place. But the foolish romantic side of me is in pain, it's sitting in the corner of my shadow heart, crying in silence, staring at the floor, and trying not to hear my thoughts. I imagine that fool as a thin young guy, white, tall, and big dark eyes. He is almost like a draw I made with my pencil on a white piece of paper, and now he cries every time I kill an opportunity of romance in my life. He used to yell at me before, but he doesn't anymore, he just cries. 

I hope he doesn't die. I'm trying to find a way to give him what he needs. It's hard, though. But I promise I will keep trying to save him. My beloved foolish romantic drawn guy.

MY JASMINE TEA

I never drink cold tea. I hate it. 

But that night, when I mentioned it was late, and that we needed to go back home, I noticed my tea was frozen. 

I recall I barely drank half of the cup, and I left my Jasmine tea got cold in a couple of hours. I wasn't talking that much; I wasn't busy, and indeed I didn't forget it was there on the table; But, I was so focused trying to read his eyes that I stopped drinking; I stopped breathing, and sometimes I caught myself staring at his right eyebrow and the way he lift it when is explaining something carefully. 

I was really nervous during the entire date, but it wasn't because of him. He talked about himself like he had nothing to prove to anyone, with this refreshing attitude about life, like when someone is just putting his thoughts on the table with no preconceptions and no wearing masks. And his words heard so natural coming from his mouth, and they felt just right. 

I was nervous because I wanted to talk more with him, I had a lot to share about what he was giving and trying to catch from me, but that day was being so odd before he showed up that I wasn't brave enough to open myself better. 

I listened more from his side that night, and I usually do that with every person who appears in my life, I like believing I'm a good listener; I'm pretty sure that every person has something to teach me or give me in thoughts. 

At the end of that night, I went to bed with a smile on my face, a cold Jasmine taste in my lips, and a strange feeling of peace or calm in my heart; I'm not sure what it was, but it felt good. 

I have been thinking about that cold tea almost every night; I liked it, and I'm starting to believe that I like cold tea now.

I WRITE INSTEAD

I'm a good listener; I have a few good friends in my life, and I'm always willing to listen to their stories instead of talking about my self. I enjoy it most of the time, even when I disagree with the stories that they're telling me. 

I have this terrible habit of giving people advice, even though they never asked me in the first place. But sometimes, at the end of a conversation about what they told me and what did advice to them, they thank me. Those times, I think they approach me looking for a different point of view. I have been in any situation when it comes to giving advice. 

One time, a good friend stopped talking to me for a couple of weeks because she was processing what I said to her and because she was a little mad at me. I remember her telling me how she felt regarding my words, and how it took her those days to recover strength and get back to me with an answer. That incident got my feet back to Earth and made me realized that I was nobody to form an opinion about someone's life. I apologized to her, and I learned that sometimes I need to be just the friend, sometimes they only need someone to listen to them with no opinion. 

Even though I enjoy listening, some other times, I want to share things and want someone to hear me. When these days arrive, I think on the right people to do that; my sister is the first to pop on my mind, then my best friend, and then my second best friend. I make the calls, but apparently, everyone is very busy at that moment. 

When I finally made to talk to someone, it seems that they are more focus on what they want to say instead of what I need to share with them. And if I'm lucky and I made someone to listen to me, that person stays quiet until I finish my story so he can continue talking, but no comment, no opinion, no advice for me. 

So I try again and call the next person on the list. But, funny thing, the same happens again, and again. I admit, few times happen that the last person I called, actually listens to me and other few times gives me advice or says something! But are the less. 

It's the same feeling that when everybody else thinks you're strong enough to be sad, to be broke, to cry or even complain about something. But, when someone needs to cry, automatically knows that you're the person for that, and If you say something like: "put yourself together! Problems exist in life! Shit happens! Accept that and deal with it", well, you may be a tough person, an insensitive human been, or even an ununderstanding friend. And you can't cry about anything, because the day you do, everybody looks so disappointed and heartbroken. 

Therefore, when I need someone to listen to me, I write instead. 

Then, I read what I wrote as a third person, and I try to give her advice. 

Sometimes I give her a speech and a few slaps, but yes, it works!

Al amor de mi vida.

Mi amado ángel, Cada día te anhelo más. Cada semana que veo concluir mientras camino a casa de regreso del trabajo y me hago consciente de mi cansancio mientras estoy en la tina, pensando en ti, en nuestro primer beso, en tu sonrisa; termino construyendo en el mismo pensamiento de semanas atrás. Este tiempo parece interminable y me aterra pensar que puedan pasar más y más días sin poder besarte y sentir tus grandes brazos rodeándome, tus manos protegiéndome de todo. Es una condena estar lejos de ti, lejos del calor de tu mano en la mía, poder alzar mi mirada hacia un lado y verte, ahí, tan seguro de ti, a mi costado, tan lleno de luz y que voltees con esa sonrisa que logra detener mi respiración por algunos segundos. Encontrarme con tus ojos grandes y profundos que me enamoraron desde la primer mirada. Sé perfectamente cómo te debes estar sintiendo también tú. Puedo sentir tu impaciencia y tus momentos de debilidad cuando comienzas a preguntarte si todo esto tendrá sentido, si todo este tiempo alejados habrá valido la pena. Conozco perfecto el sentimiento de esos momentos antes de quedarte dormido en las noches, cuando comienzas a cuestionarte todas las decisiones que has tomado y si acaso alguna de ellas ha sido la responsable de que hoy no estemos juntos en cuerpo terrenal. Pero, amor de mi vida, nacimos el uno para el otro. Y aunque ahora mismo no estemos reunidos en el plano físico, estamos presentes, y somos uno solo en el mundo inmaterial. Tu alma y la mía están conectadas cual fuerza de gravedad y el centro de la tierra, y créeme, nos encontraremos en el mundo sólido y será tal como lo hemos planeado y como lo hemos pensado tantas veces, pero mejor. Puedo verte perfecto cada mañana, justo antes de que ese viejo reloj despertador que era de tu padre comience con su escándalo matutino, ahí, enredado en las sábanas blancas, boca abajo, con dos almohadas a los lados de tu cabeza mientras tú descansas en diagonal sobre el colchón, porque solo así tus pies no rebasan el límite de la cama y quedan colgando. Eso siempre te provoca frío y la constante sensación de caída cuando te estás quedando dormido. Estoy segura que ese perro peludo es muy feliz con el hecho de tener ese triángulo perfecto de la cama para él solito. A veces pienso que a él también le molesta el ruido del despertador, porque apenas faltando dos minutos para comenzar a sonar se levanta de la cama con una sacudida perezosa y lentamente se baja al sillón individual de la sala, cerca de la ventana, para recibir el sol del nuevo día, disfrutando el aroma del desayuno que le espera junto a la barra de la cocina, donde tú te sientas a tomar café para despertar mientras revisas sin mucho interés el celular. Pienso en esos momentos mientras tú estás en los primeros sorbos de café y yo aprovecho que estás sentado para poder alcanzar tu suave cabello y pasarlo entre mis dedos, besar tu frente y llenarme del aroma de tu pelo. Sé que terminaré sobre tu regazo, sintiendo tu barba en mis labios y recibiendo tus besos de café canela. Dando gracias otro día más por tenerte en mi vida y con la firme seguridad de que estamos en el lugar, el tiempo y el momento correcto. Yo también cuento los días corazón mío, yo también estoy muriendo lentamente por poder mirarte de frente y decirte cuanto te amo. No dejes de pensarme, no pierdas la esperanza e intenta sentir que este tiempo que hemos pasado alejados era necesario para aprender a valorarnos más, para recordar siempre lo afortunados que somos por haber coincidido en esta vida. Reunamos todo este anhelo que ahora nos inunda para decidir que el día que nuestras miradas se encuentren no desperdiciaremos ni un segundo más sin demostrarnos este amor que nos profesamos; que no desistiremos ante ninguna circunstancia que la vida nos regale y que estaremos juntos más allá de la muerte y que cada día que hemos pasado separados el uno del otro lo haremos valer con los días que nos quedan por vivir.

Too much for crying; I don't think so

What I'm writing today doesn't make sense. What I'm writing today doesn't even have words, doesn't have an explanation and I don't know where it comes from, but... For the first time in fifty-three days I'm crying for something stupid. I'm crying because an important person to me, thinks I'm too dramatic, I'm too loud, and I repeat things too many times, even without I notice it. If you are seeking a way to shut my mouth, that's a good one! But also, you should know... you broke my heart a little. Yes, I'm too loud because sometimes you can't hear me and I need to repeat all that I already said, but louder. No, I didn't say three times the same thing. I was explaining to you a process, and that required me to talk about three different phases of the process. You would know if you would hear what I said! And yes, yes! You damn right! Yes! I have been so freaking dramatic about that, because I was telling you about my dreams and ambitions. I was exposing my whole heart... And you broke it, a little. But I'm okay; I will be fine. I just need to remember this: No one, except me, knows what really has cost me to be here today, knowing what I know and feeling how I feel. This present is my problem, my bless, my sin, my glory and my life. No matter what you think, you feel, you think you know or care about it. Just need to remember.

El problema es que pensamos que tenemos tiempo.

Por más trillada que suene la frase "Vive como si fuera el último día de tu vida" es exactamente lo que deberíamos estar haciendo todos los seres vivos en este planeta o en cualquier otro.
Pero resulta que, así como a otras frases y palabras, le hemos restado valor a esta afirmación, la hemos usado tanto para momentos superfluos que se ha vuelto parte de nuestro léxico cotidiano. Y es que resulta tan fácil decirlo que cualquiera con ganas de aventarse en paracaídas se atreve a enaltecer su hazaña con alguna versión de esta enorme afirmación. Heroicidad a la vista. Bravo.
Hace siete años salí con un hombre que me gustaba mucho físicamente, me atraía de mucho tiempo atrás pero jamás tuvimos una cita, hasta hace siete años. Supongo que lo idealicé y salir con él fue todo un logro para mi autoestima, mi enorme ego se rebozaba de alegría y se consolidaba como sobresaliente. Al final de la tercera cita me despedí y dije buenas noches, cuando repentinamente este hombre me tomaba en un abrazo de oso y me daba el beso mas estilo "Hollywood" que alguien me haya dado. Yo estaba realizada, segura de mi misma y de que esto podía llegar a ser algo bueno cuando de repente me miró y me dijo..."Te amo"... Espera... Qué? Y aquella mirada vacía y tan "normal", tan parecido a decir: "aquí dejaré este lápiz", resultó tan real y decepcionante para mi corazón que me llenó de tristeza pensar cuántas personas, además de este tipo, iban por la vida diciendo "te amo", "te extraño", "solo se vive una vez"... Tantas afirmaciones poderosas, inmensos significados atrapados en palabras con demasiada facilidad de pronunciación.
Esa fue nuestra ultima cita.
Y pensamos que tenemos tiempo para no amar, para no extrañar, para temer y para llenarnos la boca con frases que no alcanzamos a comprender.
Si tan solo pudiéramos comprenderlo a una edad en donde aún tenemos las rodillas fuertes, sospecho que viviríamos de otras maneras, a otro nivel de conciencia o tal vez nos elevaríamos en cualquier vacío.
Pero hemos asumido que estaremos aquí mañana, con otra oportunidad para perder el miedo, con otra posibilidad de amar y con la suficiente fuerza para cambiar el rumbo.
Ese es nuestro gran, enorme e imponente problema, pues pensamos que tenemos tiempo. Y si entendiéramos que no existe tal cosa. Me pregunto qué pasaría, cómo nos sentiríamos al respecto y sobre todo.... Cómo y qué decisiones tomaríamos.
Hoy debo decidir si me cambio de casa el siguiente mes... Claro, asumiendo que tendré la fortuna de llegar a marzo 2019.